Entry 1:
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To start with, an explanation. This is an exercise taken from the book: The Artist's Way. Basically all I have to do is just write three pages worth of stream-of-consciousness (my favorite!) each morning before I get started with my day, hence the name: "Morning Pages." So, let's begin shall we?
This is mainly for my eyes only, but I figured I would post it on Blogger just in case I wanted to share it with my friends. See, we're all (probably) going to go through the Artist's Way together, and while the author says she literally writes things down, that doesn't work so well for me. For one thing, I cramped my hands from Animation school, and for another, I just don't like writing by hand, it's way too slow and my thoughts get way too far ahead of myself, unlike typing! Plus, I don't have to worry about being able to decipher my own chicken scratches.
Anyway, I'm feeling kind of bad because I - well there's actually a lot of stuff going on at the moment. Biggest one is that Duchess isn't doing so well. Her cancerous tumor is back and we're not sure what would be best for her. Marcie is taking her into the vet this morning, so we should know by this afternoon. She has a cute little pink sock on right now to cover it and she's sleeping in the Stewart's soda box next to my desk. It's funny, but she's grown really attached to me in the last couple of days, which is really weird for her. Usually she won't come near me, but now she spends 80% of her time parked in my room and she'll even meow for me to pick her up and put her on my lap. Crazy, right? She's never been very affectionate, at least not like Pepsi who loved to be petted and would lick you and purr really loud. I miss her a lot sometimes. Will I miss Duchess as much?
I'm afraid what it's going to do to Marcie. She loves Duchess so much and takes a million pictures of her. I asked her what we would do when she's gone, would we wait a while before getting a new kitty? She surprised me when she said that she couldn't stand a house without a kitty in it. I feel the same way. I love Duchess, but I agree that it would be more painful without a cat than with a new one. I'd like to think Duchess has a couple more years left in her, but the last thing I want is her to be in pain, especially like Pepsi was towards the end.
The other thing is my new job prospect of Narrative Designer, working with Oxford Comma and Faye. At first, I was extremely turned off by the idea, but now I'm warming up to it. Lisa's even growing on me a little bit. She reminds me a lot of Amanda, in that she's extremely blunt (although I've never understood that, I would think sharp or vicious would be more appropriate if you ask me) and I don't think she realizes (or maybe she just doesn't care) about being too critical of people. As you know, part of my problem stems from April. That was an extremely critical relationship and it didn't help I was codependent on top of it. So not only did I crave attention, but I craved her approval and I could never get the full 100% no matter how hard I tried. In fact, the harder I tried, it seemed the worse that I actually did.
Anyway, half of me really wants the job, but the other half is extremely turned off by it. Just because, I've seen how stressed Kim is working in that department and well, I'm still recovering from my panic attacks. I really don't want to mess up a year's worth of work. However, everyone seems to think I can do it, including Lisa, which was a huge surprise. Maybe I just don't know how to take praise? Or I feel like I don't deserve it. Probably the latter. I know that whenever I'm working on a project with her, I'm extremely focused! I'm no longer bored or distracted. I really feel like I'm making an impact and I love working with other people's stories. I'm good with QA, but to be honest, it bores me as a creative person. I've gotten to the point where I just feel like a robot and I feel like my skills are being wasted on it. Maybe if I was more logically minded, but after four years of it, I'm just ready for something new. This seems like the perfect opportunity.
The funny thing is, this is the third time (ha!) that I'm going for this position. But, out of all of my earlier attempts, this one I really feel like I have a good shot to get it. I guess I should say I'm feeling confident I'm the best candidate and I will get it. I had to do this test for it and I'm not sure how I fared. I want to think I did well, but I always seem to knock myself down. Or, just when I think I'm doing awesome, I get slapped in the face, like when I went for that graphic design job back in Missouri in 2005. Automated Photoshop test, my ass! You can't regulate art like that. LOL. Anyway... I'm also really nervous about the interview. This time I'm going to try to be myself more. In that, I'm not going to show that I'm afraid. Or at least if they ask something awkward I'm going to allow myself to laugh it off a moment and then consider it before opening my big mouth. I'm scared of Isaias, the head of the producers. Lisa told me he asks awkward questions like "What is the meaning of life?" At least I'm prepared so I can give the Douglas Adams answer of 42. If I can make them laugh, perhaps that will be a good thing. Interviews are always difficult for me, because I feel like I have to put on this serious adult face hat. I'm such a creative, laid-back, cartoony person that it just doesn't suit me, especially since in an interview you're trying to get to know me as a person. What I would be like to work with. It seems duplicitous(?) to act one way just to get hired and to act completely differently once you are hired. Either way, I'm glad it will be over soon one way or another. I sort of wish I was going to have it today, other than I'm not dressed right for it.
I'm also a bit worried, because I'm cutting into my exercise time working on these pages. I'm really worried that I will have a hard time stuffing them into my lifestyle. I really hope I can keep up exercising. My ultimate goal is to get myself down to 150 pounds. I'm 200 right now and hating every extra pound of it. I'm way too hard on myself. Anyway, I'm trying to eat better and exercise in combo, so I'm hoping that will help. My medicine makes it difficult because Gabapentin tends to increase your appetite. I feel like Tails now, I just want to nom nom nom nom everything. Portion control is one of the hardest things for me. I am making progress though. I'm learning to give myself a little taste to satisfy me, so I'm not having these massive volcanic cravings of destructions! HAHAHA! Emily and Danual are both in Weight Watchers. They want me to join, but I'm very nervous about money right now. It's not too tight, but it's enough that I don't want to just add another monthly $40 bill to everything. However, the idea of losing a lot of weight and having a good support group does seem worth it. I'm going to keep thinking about it either way. I think I want to, but I'm not sure. I have the little form over there on my scanner, but it's really hard for me to open it up and actually register. I keep thinking I need to, but I don't want to make a bad decision. Not that it would be as bad as my chiropractor, or something, hahaha. Although, I do have more healthy sitting habits now, especially at work. If I could just get my digestive stuff in line, then I would be golden. I inherited my mom's constitution, probably from eating too much shit in college and way too fast. I still have those hemerroids and they are not cool at all. YUCK. One of these days I should get a colonoscopy. Or something. I hear about these painless removal treatments, but I wonder if they actually work, or if it would be like Duchess's tumor and just show back up again later. Bleh. Anyway, it's time to go and I think that I've written three pages worth. I dumped this into word and it seemed to cover that much. Hopefully I will be able to keep this up.
Friday is my day off and I'm going to Everfree Northwest, a my little pony convention. I'm really excited about it and I hope I have tons of fun and make some new friends out of it. I gotta go to work, but I will be back to write more tomorrow. I kind of missed being able to free-write like this. Here's hoping it opens me up to more creative things in the future! HUZZAH! Sonic is teh awesomesaucers! I just wanted to be a little bit goofy at the end, just because I can. So there. :P PRRRRRRROMOTION!
